My Life In Movies Flashes Before My Eyes: GoldenEye, 1995

I want to take you back to a time and a place where I did not know much about James Bond. The world was about to get a new 007 in Pierce Brosnan and I had never had one to start with. So, one November night, I went with my mom and brother to see GoldenEye. Then I went back the same weekend with my dad because somehow I saw every Pierce Brosnan Bond film in the theaters more than one time. Seriously.


Now, I know what you want to say. Sean Connery is the greatest Bond ever, right? But there's a difference between the best Bond and my Bond and Pierce Brosnan is undoubtedly my Bond. You see, after Timothy Dalton (a.k.a. Rassilon) took the franchise to the edge of dramatic destruction with his uber-seriousness and total inability to execute a punchline, Brosnan brought the franchise back into the world of humor, though not quite into the world of the ridiculousness that Roger Moore ocassionally took it to. I mean, they were in space, people. There was a laser fight in space. And George Lazenby, I mean what a freaking catastrophe. And I know someone out there is rooting for Daniel Craig, but I can never get over him being blond and also, he's too touchy feely sometimes. To me, Brosnan strikes the right line because this is a new post Cold War era Bond so he can't go around smacking secretaries on the ass, but we still want him to kill people.

But, the first thing you need for a great Bond film, well, after a great James Bond is a great James Bond theme song and this one has one with Tina Turner written by Bono and The Edge. BONO AND THE EDGE. You know, from U2? Did I ever mention I love U2? And it's awesome.


Then, of course, we have the new M played by Dame Judi Dench. And you don't want to screw with the new M.


What else? We have the cars, although Bond controversially drives a BMW Z3. I must say I used to like the Z3. Now, I'm about to sound like a presenter on Top Gear, but every middle aged man having a midlife crisis bought a Z3 and then the Z4, so it's just not cool anymore. Aston Martin, still cool, but they only get like seven miles to the gallon. Well, at least that's done. We have the villain, 006, played by Sean Bean who I knew not to trust. Also, Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp, one of the most bizarre Bond villainesses ever. There's a plot in there, but while you need a decent plot for James Bond, it's more about the getting there, unless the plot is just so stupid you can't ignore how stupid it is. I will say the low point of this film is the main Bond girl, Natalya Simonova, because she does the whole thing where she whines about him going around, killing people, do we really need that? The whining? Joe Don Baker as a slightly crazy CIA agent, Robbie Coltrane as an old adversary of Bond's and oh, yeah, Minnie Driver in the greatest James Bond cameo ever, singing Stand By Your Man with a Russian accent. I seriously get angry when they cut that part out on TV, as if we don't need it. We do! Oh, my favorite sequence in this film is undoubtedly the tank chase through the streets of St. Petersburg. Of course, now would be a good time for either a clip of Minnie Driver or the tank chase, but once again, YouTube says no. Bastards.

And now come after me with your James Bond opinions.