My Life In Movies Flashes Before My Eyes: The Rock, 1996

This could be the only time I praise Michael Bay in this blog, like ever. It also might be one of the few times I praise Jerry Bruckheimer, you see, Jerry, I just don't need multiple films about pirates from a theme park ride. Anyway, the film in question is The Rock, and it's an action film but what distinguishes it from the rot that characterizes the genre today is that it's not about franchises or robots blowing up, there's an actual script and that script has something called a story, not just an excuse for explosions. Also, it's before Nicolas Cage started making a lot of crap.

The idea is this: some Marines have taken over Alcatraz led by Ed Harris, joined by David Morse and Tony Todd. I only mention Tony Todd because he played Old Jake Sisko in the saddest, greatest Deep Space Nine EVER, The Visitor and this is my blog so I can mention stuff like that if I want. I'll even show a clip if I want.



In this movie though, Captain Sisko would not be proud of him. They holding the leaders of the US hostage with VX Poison Gas, which looks like green bath pearls but will kill you and melt your skin. They want to get money for the families of Marines who go on secret illegal missions and get disavowed by the government. I think they should have had a bake sale. Anyway, so they take Alcatraz in this scene and threaten to gas San Francisco.



See? Ed Harris has a heart. So, they call in chemical expert Nicolas Cage, a scientist more comfortable with his Beatles LPs than fighting terrorists and Sean Connery, who is an MI6 agent that's been imprisoned by the US, disavowed by his own government and is basically leading the life James Bond would lead if he ever got caught. See, he's the only man who's ever escaped Alcatraz, so naturally they need him. This leads to trouble as he attempts to escape on the streets of San Francisco in an amazing car chase sequence and oh, yeah when all the Navy SEALS get killed and Connery and Cage are forced to work together to save San Francisco. Naturally, hijinx ensue.

There's great chemistry in this film, it's brilliantly cast. I love the Cage-Connery teaming up, I even love the hero villain face off between Connery and Harris as follows:


Also, I love this scene towards the end of the film. It really shows how good Nicolas Cage was before he started making crap and not paying the IRS.


Oh, as a tip of you go to Alcatraz and love this movie, try to go with someone who will know what you're referencing when you stand by the cell (they don't let you go in like in the movie) and start doing the speech from that film. Did I go to Alcatraz because of this movie? Yes. Yes, I did. There's a place by the boat dock that makes a breakfast pizza if you're interested. The audio tour also does not feature film clips like it should. Just a suggestion to the Park Service. That's all.

Best Picture 1996: The English Patient

1996 was hailed by most media and critics as "the year of the independent film." Just look at the nominees for Best Picture: The English Patient, Fargo, Jerry Maguire, Secrets & Lies and Shine. Movies that just about no one had heard of until they got nominated with the obvious exception of Jerry Maguire. It was back before Tom Cruise jumped on couches. I still haven't seen Shine. Apparently, Geoffrey Rush is a crazy guy who plays piano. Don't take that the wrong way, it could be good, I just don't know.

So, The English Patient is the story of Count Almasy played by Ralph Fiennes and his affair with Katharine played by Kristin Scott Thomas. If you're me, you just had to go look that up because all I could remember was that Kristin Scott Thomas is married to Colin Firth in the film and thus, she's cheating on Colin Firth and that just doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. The interesting thing is that structurally the story takes place in two time periods: the affair happens on the eve of World War II and the part in which the Count tells his nurse his story takes place in its final days.

So, if you couldn't tell the love story is lost on me. The Count seems like a possessive jerk and just stands around spouting a lot of romantic puffery with an accent and somehow gets an Oscar for this when frankly I found Maid in Manhattan so much more compelling. I guess that's because he's so consumed by love or whatever, which I'll admit he was less consumed by love in Maid in Manhattan. Katharine is you know, cheating on Colin Firth, so she must be crazy, right? But in the interests of fairness, here's some scenes that I find gross.




And don't forget the supposedly hot scene where Count and Katharine have sex while Colin Firth is playing Santa Claus. I do not joke. Anyway, the war comes, they have to stop their exploration which is okay because no one actually cared about that anyway if they cared about this movie at all. Because I know I didn't. Colin Firth has also gotten wise and in what some characterize as an insane act of revenge, I call trying to do us all a giant favor. He flies a plane into the Count's desert camp with himself and Katharine on it. I couldn't find a clip of that so here's Colin Firth dancing earlier.



So, Colin Firth dies (the character was called Geoffrey Clifton, I just don't care) and I lose all interest. Kristin Scott Thomas is badly injured and the Count takes her to the cave to protect her from the desert. He makes the journey back to Cairo to try to get help, gets thrown in jail, escapes and comes back to find out Katharine is dead.

So, I could go on about the stuff towards the end of the war with Juliette Binoche which is let's face it, more interesting, but I don't care. There's some stuff with Willem Dafoe seeking revenge, but ultimately this film just didn't hold my interest. So if you feel robbed by me, here's some Rotten Tomatoes reviews.


Meanwhile, the best part of this is the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine feels pretty much like I do about The English Patient and faces ostracism because of it, so here's how that ends up.