My Life In Movies Flashes Before My Eyes: GoldenEye, 1995

I want to take you back to a time and a place where I did not know much about James Bond. The world was about to get a new 007 in Pierce Brosnan and I had never had one to start with. So, one November night, I went with my mom and brother to see GoldenEye. Then I went back the same weekend with my dad because somehow I saw every Pierce Brosnan Bond film in the theaters more than one time. Seriously.


Now, I know what you want to say. Sean Connery is the greatest Bond ever, right? But there's a difference between the best Bond and my Bond and Pierce Brosnan is undoubtedly my Bond. You see, after Timothy Dalton (a.k.a. Rassilon) took the franchise to the edge of dramatic destruction with his uber-seriousness and total inability to execute a punchline, Brosnan brought the franchise back into the world of humor, though not quite into the world of the ridiculousness that Roger Moore ocassionally took it to. I mean, they were in space, people. There was a laser fight in space. And George Lazenby, I mean what a freaking catastrophe. And I know someone out there is rooting for Daniel Craig, but I can never get over him being blond and also, he's too touchy feely sometimes. To me, Brosnan strikes the right line because this is a new post Cold War era Bond so he can't go around smacking secretaries on the ass, but we still want him to kill people.

But, the first thing you need for a great Bond film, well, after a great James Bond is a great James Bond theme song and this one has one with Tina Turner written by Bono and The Edge. BONO AND THE EDGE. You know, from U2? Did I ever mention I love U2? And it's awesome.


Then, of course, we have the new M played by Dame Judi Dench. And you don't want to screw with the new M.


What else? We have the cars, although Bond controversially drives a BMW Z3. I must say I used to like the Z3. Now, I'm about to sound like a presenter on Top Gear, but every middle aged man having a midlife crisis bought a Z3 and then the Z4, so it's just not cool anymore. Aston Martin, still cool, but they only get like seven miles to the gallon. Well, at least that's done. We have the villain, 006, played by Sean Bean who I knew not to trust. Also, Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp, one of the most bizarre Bond villainesses ever. There's a plot in there, but while you need a decent plot for James Bond, it's more about the getting there, unless the plot is just so stupid you can't ignore how stupid it is. I will say the low point of this film is the main Bond girl, Natalya Simonova, because she does the whole thing where she whines about him going around, killing people, do we really need that? The whining? Joe Don Baker as a slightly crazy CIA agent, Robbie Coltrane as an old adversary of Bond's and oh, yeah, Minnie Driver in the greatest James Bond cameo ever, singing Stand By Your Man with a Russian accent. I seriously get angry when they cut that part out on TV, as if we don't need it. We do! Oh, my favorite sequence in this film is undoubtedly the tank chase through the streets of St. Petersburg. Of course, now would be a good time for either a clip of Minnie Driver or the tank chase, but once again, YouTube says no. Bastards.

And now come after me with your James Bond opinions.

Best Picture 1998: Shakespeare in Love

I think at this time it would be appropriate to have a slight discussion of Miramax and in particular, its Oscar dynasty in the period encompassing the 1990s. Miramax, if you don't know, was founded by two brothers, Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Their intent was to distribute films other studios wouldn't because it wouldn't be financially feasible. Basically, The English Patient. Yeah, I'm talking to you. They were known for auteur works like Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Trainspotting, a lot of Woody Allen junk and oh, yeah, The English Patient. In 1993, Disney bought Miramax and this may not be where the trouble began, it ended somewhere around Michael Moore, Fahrenheit 9/11 and the brothers leaving the company. Then Disney sold Miramax in 2010. So, let's call it a brief spectacular history.



So, 1998, Shakespeare in Love. First, some fun facts. Julia Roberts was originally to play Viola, but she wouldn't do it unless Daniel Day Lewis played Shakespeare. Luckily, Daniel Day Lewis had the good sense to stay the hell away from Shakespeare in Love starring Julia Roberts. That was back in 1991, so it was another seven years before the film was completed.

We meet Shakespeare in the middle of a case of writer's block as he works on his new play, Romeo and Ethel, The Pirate's Daughter. He falls in love with Viola played by Gwyneth Paltrow, a rich girl betrothed to Lord Wessex, played by Colin Firth. I just want to say I find this trend of female protagonists in the 1990s not wanting to marry or be married to Colin Firth really disturbing. Long story short, Viola inspires Shakespeare to write one of his his greatest plays. I could go through a turn by turn summary, but frankly, we would get bogged down in minutiae and just listing the cast presents a problem because everybody in the film is good. Ben Affleck puts on a good performance in this movie without resorting to his Boston townie accent which still would have been amusing. The story is predictable, but not devoid of interest at all. In fact, one of the charms of the film is that it is so familiar to the audience with its Shakespeare references and inside jokes. It's not as if you have to be a Shakespearean scholar in order to get it, either, you basically need two to three years of high school, which is what I had when I first saw it. For example, Rupert Everett plays Christopher Marlowe, Shakespeare's rival and openly regarded in the film as the greatest playwright around. Queen Elizabeth I, played by Judi Dench, hides in the audience of the play as a commoner. Shakespeare's parting with Viola leads him to write Twelfth Night.

So, let us move on to the pressing issue. Was Shakespeare in Love really the best film that came out in 1998? Let's look at the nominees. Elizabeth, Life Is Beautiful, The Thin Red Line and a little film called Saving Private Ryan. I think we can safely count out Life Is Beautiful because that film is schmaltzy crap. I didn't used to think so, I cried when I first watched it and then I visited about five concentration camps and now Roberto Benigni pisses me off. The Thin Red Line is about three hours of Terrence Malick doing Terrence Malick things and I have no idea what the point was. If you know, please tell me. Elizabeth was good and Saving Private Ryan is you know, generally regarded as the greatest of the modern war epics. I think it's all down to a matter of taste. Is Shakespeare in Love good? Yes. Is Saving Private Ryan good? Yes. They're just different and only one could win.

This is not really useful to deciding which film should have won in 1998, but I like it. So, here's what happens when Blackadder meets Shakespeare:



Okay, now because I can, here is an entirely different take on the Shakespeare question featuring two actors from this film, Rupert Everett and Colin Firth, written by Rupert Everett, whose Colin Firth crush may be more serious than mine. I'm pretty sure he decided to rip off a movie he was actually in. From St. Trinian's Part 2: The Legend of Fritton's Gold. If you don't know what that is, I think you have to be a British teenage girl.