No, seriously which one of you is Spartacus? 1960

I have a certain level of fondness for the epic. It reminds me of a time when the studio system ruled and the moguls who ran Hollywood thought big. Like really big. I am sort of embarrassed to say that I hadn't seen Spartacus before. Actually, Gladiator is one of my all time favorite movies and I can see how that film owes a lot to this one. It reminds me of an episode of The Sopranos where Ralph Cifaretto is watching Spartacus after Chris Moltisanti recommends it because he is obsessed with Gladiator. Ralphie watches the pivotal battle at the ludus and says, "This is a great gladiator movie?! They didn't have flat tops in ancient Rome!" Then he killed his girlfriend later in that episode so that was really the high point.

Anyway, while I do concur that they probably did not have flat tops in ancient Rome I was surprised at how much the film had to offer. Spartacus is played by Kirk Douglas who I guess was doing this after Paul Newman got the part in Exodus. (Do I feel a need to bring up Paul Newman a lot? Yeah, but why not?) He leads a slave revolt and opposes the Roman general Crassus who I knew would win from the History Channel. Crassus is played very sympethetically by Laurence Olivier. Most of the time in these sword and sandals epics they just played the Romans like the root of all evil, not to say they were great, but just depict them as people doing the best they can like my other favorite HBO series Rome. Anyone else miss that show? He is helped by escaped slave Antoninus played by Tony Curtis in a bit of casting that just throws me off but works okay. He falls in love with Varinia played by Jean Simmons who you may remember from The Robe or maybe Guys and Dolls. I remember her as the chick who didn't lock down Paul Newman in the first thirty minutes of Until They Sail. (See, got in another one.) Also hot young Julius Caesar played by John Gavin. Seriously, hottest Julius Caesar ever.

This film was written by Dalton Trumbo who had been blacklisted by the McCarthy hearings in the 1950s. It was also directed by Stanley Kubrick so I find it hard to look at this film without imparting it with political meaning. For instance, Kubrick has repetitive scenes of gladiatorial training and Roman military power. Roman society was basically built on conquest, the essence of the military-industrial complex. They're all caught up in it, Romans and slaves alike, getting trampled just the same. I also loved the scenes depicting Roman political machinations which were so carefully crafted and not just treated as pieces of plot we had to get through.

Now, Stanley Kubrick did some great work. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell was going on in 2001, but you know, I respect him. Now, let's remember Eyes Wide Shut. Yeah... Or how about that he was the originator of AI but could never get it together because he could never find a robot he liked well enough to play the robot kid part? I'm saying, yes, the guy was probably crazy but he managed to work withing the studio system here and got an excellent result. What if we still had the studio system with moguls keeping crazy directors in line? Imagine a world where M. Night Shyamalan films still made sense. Imagine if the second two Matrix movies had not been ruined. Imagine the possibilities.

Even with all that, I think this clip from The Critic may still be my favorite clip from Spartacus.

My Own Prejudices: Pride and Prejudice, 1940

I think any girl from the ages of fourteen to twenty-five probably at some point traverses across the romantic literary terrain of Pride and Prejudice and quickly becomes infatuated. You read the book, you watch Colin Firth in that wet shirt and then you find out Jane Austen died alone and single and you get really depressed and have some ice cream. You also eventually develop your own prejudices about what constitutes a good Darcy just like there are debates about who makes the best Bond: some people like Sean Connery's suaveness, some people prefer Roger Moore's easy wit and then there's always some idiot that tries to persuade you Timothy Dalton was the best. So, for me Colin Firth is my Darcy. So, I was curious when I read that Colin Firth was first intimidated by the part because Laurence Olivier had done it. I don't know a lot about Laurence Olivier except that I couldn't make it through Othello because of the blackface. Okay, moving on.

The 1940 edition of Pride and Prejudice is directed by Robert Z. Leonard and seriously, Brave New World's Aldous Huxley is one of the writers. Seriously. Laurence Olivier stars as Mr. Darcy and Greer Garson is Elizabeth Bennet. Let's face it, we don't really care about any of the other characters. I'm sure Jane is nice and all but let's face it, we don't care. Darcy is somehow less of a jerk, which somehow makes him less appealing. I know everyone is going to end up in therapy because of that one. This Darcy kind of comes off like a wimp and I don't even want Elizabeth to end up with him. I just stopped caring. Also, I hate to sound like a bitch, but I think Greer Garson may just be too pretty to be Elizabeth Bennet. I know, awful, but to me Elizabeth Bennet is the romantic heroine of the bookworm girl. She's smart, she's not ugly, but Greer Garson is pretty enough to be a cinema star. (No offense, Jennifer Ehle. Any woman that gets to be the girlfriend of Colin Firth and James Purefoy is my hero. The latter is a reference to Bedrooms and Hallways, which has its own Jane Austen moment.) Meanwhile, there are some changes made that I hate. If you've seen the 2005 version, you know that they compressed some of the plot. Well, this movie is even shorter. So this version is even more compressed. No trip to Pemberley and the scandal with Lydia gets wrapped up in about the same five minutes that Jane and Bingley get together, then Elizabeth and Darcy get together. Also, the whole thing with Lady Catherine? Instead of her being an actual snob, Lady Catherine visits Elizabeth and treats her badly just to make sure she's not a gold digger. Really. I could have forgiven the random archery scene if we had not had that. I think we probably have some studio head of the Golden Age to blame for that one. "Yeah, but how do we know Elizabeth just doesn't like Darcy for his money?"

So, I didn't like this one. I'll go back to my miniseries on DVD. Meanwhile, a clip from Bedrooms and Hallways.